NO HOLDS BARRED

Here it is finally... a month late but fake dated to fit with everything else! I rule. For me the summation of wrestling movies of my youth and marked exactly what the genre and professional wrestling itself at the time had become....

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Original Title: No Holds Barred
Year: 1989
Director: Thomas J. Wright
Writer: Dennis Hackin
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097987/
Genre: Wrestling

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Synopsis: Rip is the World Wrestling Federation champion who is faithful to his fans and the network he wrestles for. Brell, the new head of the World Television Network, wants Rip to wrestle for his network. Rip refuses and goes back to his normal life. Still looking for a way to raise ratings, Brell initiates a show called "The Battle of the Tough Guys", a violent brawling competition. A mysterious man, Zeus, wins the competition. This gets Brell to use him as an angle to get at Rip.

Oh my fuggin Jesus it's NO HOLDS fuggin BARRED.

Yes, I realize that this is not a great movie. But so many people, males particularly I will assume, who are around my age (early-mid 30s) will have some sort of attachment to this movie as well as professional wrestling because it was so huge in the mid- to late-1980s.

No Holds Barred is a pretty crappy film that to me beautifully illustrates SO many 80s movie conventions. It combines professional wrestling with 80s film greatest hits, and just turns into a ball of fun for the right audience.

Before I write more, I want to give credit to -RoG- of i-mockery.com. His awesome post about no Holds Barred is hilarious and filled with awesome animated gifs that I am at the same time too dumb to create myself and very jealous of. I am using some of them here in my review, and wanted to make sure to point you in the right direction. His review is more of a summary, so beware of spoilers, but if you have watched even a handful of 1980s action movies, No Holds Barred is virtually unspoilable.

Hulk Hogan plays Rip, WWF World Heavyweight Champion, flawed hero, and super stylish fashion god. He looks to be 40 with a 20 year old brother. (Oops!)

He likes French food.

He RIPS his clothing (LOLGETIT???).

He's a ladies man with a soft side, loved by kids.

He rides a sweet hog.

He hates the interior of cars and mirrors.

He can jump through metal.

He slobbers like a rabid ape.

Get this guy a bib, indeed.

Hogan's performance is hilarious on many levels. He snarls and winces and screams and even chuckles a few times. If you've ever seen a Hogan match in your life and have not seen this movie, you are pretty much prepared for what is contained within. Just like in wrestling world, Hogan can go from zero to pissed and back again in no time.

The anger scenes are standard faire, but seeing Hogan laugh and even make out a little bit was just a little strange. And holy hell, when you see him cry you'll feel the embarrassment in the bottom of your ballsack (or equivalent area). I mean, I know the guy does this stuff in real life, but he wasn't approaching realism in portraying them here.

At least his wardrobe is second to none. The deep-V is out in full effect. The highly inexplicable short shorts that go along with his sliced up shirt.

This is the second review in a row where I have put a yellow circle around a dude's bottom!

This bastard even sports an orange speedo that make his normal tight wrestling trunks look like your granny's control top undergarment. HOT!

The crying scene may be awkward... but if it doesn't leave you without a new undying desire for LACE UP FINGERLESS GLOVES, then you have no goddamn soul.

FUCKING AMAZING

Shit, even the tassles on his do-rag match!

Hulk Hogan was pretty good on the mic back in his prime. As a kid I was certainly inspired by his Whatcha gonna do's and his 24-inch Pythons runnin' wild, but now for me, Hulk's sweaty charisma really doesn't carry over as well. Possibly when his performance isn't in front of thousands of screaming fans it just loses its luster, although like his matches, you'll see every twist and turn coming from a mile away.

I gotta say I was disappointed to see no famous Hogan leg drop, but he did use the running double axe handle  which was kindasomewhatmaybe like his finisher the Axe Bomber when wrestling in Japan, so that was kindasomewhatmaybe cool.

Then we come to the main villain in the movie. I suppose Kurt Fuller as Brell really is the main main villain, but who honestly knows anything about No Holds Barred that would not say the name ZEUS if not first, then at least second when naming people in here. Tom 'Tiny' Lister has made quite the enduring and endearing career as the huge googly eyed  tough guy, but I for one really believe that this is the high point. Some may argue Deebo from Friday, but I will remind you that he is actually credited as Tiny Zeus Lister, Jr. in that movie! EVEN HE KNEW WHAT WAS UP.

Maxim magazine hilariously named Zeus their #9 Awesomest Loser in Sports Movie History.

And how badass is it to get a fucking nickname like Zeus just from playing a sadistic and evidently mentally challenged no-rules wrestler in a shitty 80s flick? Color me jealous.

Pickleloaf, or Loaf, just doesn't instill any fear, at least not for the right reasons, but at least I'm pretty sure I can kick Zeus' ass in a mustache battle!

Loaf 1 - Zeus 0, baby!

Lister says almost nothing at all except RAAAAAAHHHHHHHH in the whole movie but still becomes a legend. Incredible. He wears armor including big metal cuffs, a chainmail tank top, and giant aluminum foil shoulder pads. Amazing. He has a Z of hair over his ear and a V of unibrow over his face. Marvelous.

Zeus is so badass in the most boring way possible. In wrestling world he would make a shitty damn performer. Oh wait, what's that? Oh yeah... he did make a shitty performer. As only Vince McMahon can, he put poor Lister in the ring when this film was out, the professionals surely scrambling to cover up his shortcomings. I will never forget seeing Zeus preventing Hogan from entering the classic big blue cage on an episode of Saturday Night's Main Event. His head twist neck snap move was fucking devastating!

No one stands up to this motherfucker. While Rip is being a pussy and taking care of his injured brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino - or Jacob for all you Lost fans!), Zeus trains for the big match by whipping the snot out of cinder blocks. This is perhaps even better than the Russians in Bad Guys training with Vodka and 19th century dumbbells.

This block is probably made out of oatmeal and sand, but I don't fucking care!

I do wish more classic wrestlers made appearances in this film, but we do get a brief appearance from good ol' Bill Eadie... most of you may remember him as Demolition Ax... half of one of the coolest tag teams of all time. 

His is sort of a throwaway part right at the beginning, but it was still cool to see him if you can recognize him with his crazy fluffy hair instead of his better known slicked back look and silver face paint.

But perhaps my favorite bit part of the movie is the oh-so legendary Stan 'The Lariat' Hansen playing this dirty, sweaty, tobacco drooling, fighting redneck in a half shirt and soiled jogging pants Neanderthal. Holy shit he is over the top and completely ridiculous and I love him and want to marry him and totally have all of his babies.

My only wish besides the whole babies thing is that his role was somehow a little bigger and that he didn't get punked out to Zeus so damn easily. I love me some Stan Hansen, and to see him so absurd here makes me laugh still 20 years after the fact.

There's unfortunately not much more to say about Mr. Hansen here that -RoG-'s fantastic animated gifs don't already represent so well. He makes a teenie weenie observation in one of the dirtiest bathrooms in cinema history, walks out scratching his balls, and is then almost done except for getting his ass handed to him later on. A truly horrid and memorable performace that I will always love.

I mentioned the character of Mr. Brell who is essentially the 80s carbon copy executive corporate villain. It's a memorable role, I suppose, but whatever.

We're here for the sweaty mens, right?

But I do have to mention the one female character before then, yeah?

Joan Severance as Samantha Moore is our leading lady and is pretty damn bad, but unlike the others, not in really a memorable way. She was in Lethal Weapon and a couple other moderately well-known movies, but was mainly in late night Skinemax style flicks in the 1990s. This film was kept pretty kid friendly, so hotness Joan (which is most definitely not a hot name), bares no ass unfortunately. Hogan shows way more skin than she does. Samantha Moore is your typical action flick lady in peril, and outside of being easy on the eyes and a poorly written reason to get close to Rip in the first place, serves only to be a motivation to get the dudes fighting.

Whoa I feel like I have written a ton and only talked about appearances. But honestly this is what this No Holds Barred experience is about. Particularly for those who watched this movie when it was new... as wrestling fans and/or being aged in your early teens, pulling out these little parts is the magic here.

You'll remember Hogan exploding from the roof of the car.

You'll remember DOOOOKIIIIIE

You'll remember fighting in a fireball-filled factory.

You'll remember a motorcycle-riding Hogan chasing down a would-be rapist (that one came way out of left field)

You'll remember JOCKASS!

The dirty bathroom and Stan Hansen, the insane bar, the mirrors breaking, Zeus training. It all adds up to a steaming log, but it is one steaming log i proudly carry in my pocket without worrying so much about what people may think. Wright and Hackin do nothing except the bare minimum in presenting this story and just giving Hogan a vehicle to sweat, Zeus to yell, and suckers like me to buy into it.

This is another great example of a wrestling movie. You have 2008's The Wrestler, and on the other end of the spectrum, No Holds Barred. It is everything that The Wrestler is not, and as I said earlier a decent amalgamation of so many 80s action cliches that round out this formative decade for me so well.

Shirtless men? Check.
Mega popular hero finally meeting a seemingly unconquerable villain? Check.
Helpless supporting cast that only violence can protect? Check.
Evil corporate bossman bad guy? Check.
Neon gym, spandex and tassles, fist fights, silly climax, terrible generic rock score, speedos
Check, check, check!

The only thing missing are some tits!

But don't worry, the Loaf has you covered.

Stache battle AND blog tits. Loaf 2 - Zeus 0

Take that, Tiny!

USA! USA! USA!

All this said, I'm not sure I can wholeheartedly recommend this film to a non-wrestling fan and especially not to a non-80s action fan. It's average at its very best but a slice of my personal movie history, and I love every flawed minute.

Score: 5 / 10

Stache update

I've long since abandoned the Nerostache and decided to go with an old-timey circus strongman look

Here's a photo from Christmas at my parents

This book gives me a boner

A big shiny one that keeps me from standing in front of the class.

Featuring beautifully detailed full color photographs of every aspect of the NWA championship belt.

Includes rare photographs provided by former NWA World Champion Harley Race of the night in 1973 the belt was first presented in Houston.  Some of these photographs have never been published before.

Includes a detailed history of the belt, how it was made, when it first appeared, the different versions of the belt, and where it is today.

Features profiles of the eight legendary NWA world champions who wore this version of the belt.  

Um... yes plz!

You can pick up this book at http://www.tenpoundsofgold.com/

Someday if I ever find a goddamn job again, I'll certainly add it to my own to buy pile. 

L-O-L

BAD GUYS

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Original Title: Bad Guys
Year: 1986
Director: Joel Silberg
Writer: Joe Gillis (writer), Brady Westwater (writer)
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090688/
Genre: Comedy, Wrestling

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Synopsis:
Two hotshot LAPD cops get in hot water after breaking up a fight at a local bar. They get suspended from the force and have to find a way to pay the rent. First they try construction work, then stripping, but newspaper reporter Janice Edwards has a really good idea...professional wrestling.

A contemporary of Body Slam, Bad Guys features a much, much lower budget cast but still manages to be a superior wrestling film. It's silly and not very good, but at least the story stays on the wrestlers themselves for the most part.

Adam Baldwin and Mike Jolly play Skip and Dave, our two rowdy heroes. And they loooove wrasslin! I suppose we can call them the stand out roles in the film, but honestly that is just not saying a lot. The acting here is just universally bad. Not only are the characters unbelievable, little pieces of overacting just made my skin crawl.

You - yes YOU! - will get a deuce chill right up your spine when you hear Baldwin's HEEEEYs and YEEEAAAHs dubbed in over the two of them stripping at a Chippendales type club and giving each other full nelsons on stage. I won't explain what a full nelson is if you don't know already, because it sounds funny this way.

I will never look at Animal Mother again quite the same.

Look how ashamed Jolly looks over there. Good acting? Or......

Not a lot of other faces in the film to go along with the sorry acting. Ruth Buzzi, who played Screech's mom in Saved By The Bell was Petal McGurk, the dirty trainer's wife. Apparently she was on Laugh In also, but really who likes that better than Saved By The Fucking Bell?

Professor Toru Tanaka and Sergeant Slaughter both show up near the end of the film, both in non-speaking roles, but it was cool to see some better known wrestlers in there regardless. Not that Tanaka is super well known, particularly by more recent fans of wrestling, but many people will just recognize him from various bit roles usually as some sort of body guard or Francis' butler in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Tanaka was at one time the tag team partner of the WWF legend Mr. Fuji.

The wrestling in Bad Guys isn't too bad, and it certainly helps the weakly written story along. I mean, when Petal tells Skip and Dave that as wrestlers they have to pick a gimmick, then stick with it... then proceeds to help them change their gimmick after they are chased out of a show. OK then! Anyway, I'm not sure Jolly performs his own stunts (his character seems to be the more talented of the team), but Baldwin threw a head scissor on a dude, and was taking a few bumps here and there.

He needed some bumps on his ass it seems, because that thing was just non-existent. This isn't necessarily something I would typically notice, but his concave bottom was an embarrassment to asses everywhere! His pants had to be tight because they would have just fallen off that barren cliff otherwise.

You know, I'm not really reviewing this movie so much as talking about little pieces of it. That's pretty much what it's good for. It is a low-budget mess that is pretty much a carbon copy in formula of so many other 80s movies. Good guys that are a little bad get held down by the man. Good guys that are bad excel in whatever they do. Good guys that are bad overcome huge obstacle. The end.

You even get a fucking musical montage during the training sequence! Yes!

Skip and Dave's montage is pretty boring, and maybe a little gay, but the Russian's training is so awesome and cliched that it makes my insides giggle: Strongman weight lifting and heavy drinking of vodka! Class.

Karate Kid eat your goddamn heart out.

Bad Guys is entertaining for what it was. Like Body Slam, it is like a bookmark for when professional wrestling was going through major changes and becoming more mainstream and flashy than ever before. But unlike Body Slam, this film stuck with the wrestling. Joel Silberg (director of Breakin'!) didn't construct this film all that well, but with a cast and set that probably cost a fraction of what Body Slam did, this one comes out as a better example of this sub-genre.

Sucks nuts, but not as bad as Body Slam

Score: 5.25 / 10

Rowdy Roddy Piper fun

BODY SLAM

I felt it only fitting that I wrap up my overlong wrestling theme with films that reflect what professional wrestling eventually would become and still is - the sports entertainment style that they are today. Nothing shows this transformation better than the wrestling movies of the late 1980s!

And really the beginning of this change in professional wrestling...

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Original Title: Body Slam
Year: 1986
Director: Hal Needham
Writer: Steve Burkow (writer), Shel Lytton (screenplay)
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092684/
Genre: Comedy, Wrestling

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Synopsis:
M. Harry Smilac is a down-on-his-luck music manager who is having a hard time attracting talent and booking gigs for his band, Kicks (The most recent of the gigs is a Dairy Queen opening!!). When making arrangements for a campaign fund-raiser, he mistakes Rick Roberts, a professional wrestler, for a musician and hires him. At that moment he becomes a wrestling manager and starts to book matches for him and his teammate Tonga Tom.

Body Slam reflects well I think professional wrestling's transition from a specific, shady "sport" to what has been donned "sports entertainment" that occurred with Vince McMahon's WWF in the 1980s. Wrestling still had the illusion of reality and was broken into territories until McMahon took his father's business, created larger than life superstars, and went nationwide... for better or worse. And in Body Slam, we see a small team change wrestling from something just a physical confrontation to a complete entertainment show.

That said... too much fucking Smilac, not enough wrasslin! (and definitely not enough ROWDY RODDY!) In this way it reflects what WWF would become as well as we get management stories instead of stories being told in the ring as I like to see in my pro-wrestling of choice.

Dirk Benedict plays the super-shady music manager Harry Smilac who stumbles into managing a professional wrestling tag team Quick Rick Roberts (Roddy Piper) and Tonga Tom (Sam Fatu).

Fatu was best known as Tama, one half of the Islanders with partner Haku in the WWF. He never made it super big in the business, but his brothers Eddie and Solofa found a little more success as Umaga and Rikishi. Roddy Piper was quite a huge draw on the other hand. He lacked the wrestling skills of quite a few of his contemporaries, but more than made up for it with charisma to spare and for being very outspoken and just seeming completely batshit crazy. He was just a joy to hear on the mic and really sold his character first with his words and emotion.

And Mr. Hal Needham... a director who knows about actors with charisma to spare in one Mr. Burt Reynolds... totally dropped the ball on Piper here. Here was a perfect opportunity to have Piper shine on screen in a wrestling movie, but instead we get the Dirk Benedict show. Don't get me wrong... I like me some Dirk. But I like me some Dirk when he's on the A-Team or Battlestar Galactica or something of the sort. Put him up in competition for screen time with the likes of Piper, or even Tanya Roberts tits, and well I'm gonna take a pass.

Benedict is essentially acting the Face role from The A-Team, only a little shiestier. It would be fine, honestly, except that I wanted to watch a wrestling movie more than a comedy about this loser agent manager guy. He puts the moves on Candace Vandervagen played by a lovely Tanya Roberts with some lovely boobage and some lovelier feathered hair, and of course she falls for the whole thing after only putting up the smallest of fights. One minute she is disgusted by Smilac's advances but then a couple scenes later she has already given in and is getting plowed back at his seaside cottage that I'm sure a failing agent could afford.

I'm just assuming she is plowed because Tanya comes nowhere close to giving up the goods in this PG bore.

Piper is fine in his role despite being muted. And Needham made a good choice in keeping Sam Fatu's speaking roles to a minimum. We'll just say he's a much better dancer than an actor, and I think I saw my grandma with better moves at my wedding. And she had a cane.

There's appearances by the Wild Somoans Afa and Sika, which was pretty cool. They played the muscle of a loan collector and had no spoken lines. Their only job was to destroy cars apparently. The late great Capt. Lou Albano, playing the creatively named Capt. Lou Murano, manages the rival tag team The Cannibals, played by some guy I didn't recognize and The Barbarian who had a long career after this film and now lives in my stomping grounds, North Carolina!

Perhaps Needham was riding Burt Reynold's coattails in the successes of Cannonball Run and Smokey and the Bandit. Dirk ain't no Burt, that's for sure. Or perhaps we can blame the writing for this boring overall story. Whatever it is, this film just does not work. It is interesting to see the development in the film of Rock'n'Wrestling given the time the film was released in relation to the WWF explosion, but not nearly enough time is given to the actual wrestling and wrestlers for my tastes. The jokes are rarely funny, and the only over the top wrestler acting comes from The Cannibals themselves who just snarled and delivered short, uninteresting threats.

At least Piper's shirt is funny!

This film is not available on DVD, and I cannot honestly recommend tracking it down on VHS. If you come across it on the internet (cough like I did cough) or showing on some random cable channel, it may be worth a look for history sake and to see a crazy Capt. Lou making not-funny gay jokes and picking up a midget out of his chair, but otherwise just don't and say you did.

No one will know the difference.

Score: 4 / 10

KAYFABE

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Original Title: Kayfabe
Year: 2007
Director: Michael Raven, Michael Scully
Writer: Michael Raven, Michael Scully
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1104079/
Genre: Mockumentary, Wrestling

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Synopsis:
The TCICWF is shutting down forever, and these colorful, eccentric, clueless, indie wrestlers have one last chance to show the world that they belong in the big leagues.

After the shit storm that was Grunt!, I was certainly hesitant to dive right into another wrestling mockumentary. But 2007's Kayfabe was a breath of fresh wrestling trunks in comparison. This is done right.

A Canadian production, Kayfabe follows a small local wrestling organization, humorously named Tri-Cities International Championship Wrestling Federation or TCICWF, in its last days. This is a much lighter portrayal of the lower rung wrestlers than something like The Wrestler. Each character seems to be a near-caricature of the different personalities of professional wrestlers. You have the talented leader, Rocket Randy Tyler (Pete Smith), most concerned with the business instead of personal glory. You have the not so talented co-leader Steve Justice (Michael Roselli), very full of himself and concerned with his image alone. There's the masked Mexican wrestler, the confused guy that can't get over with the crowd, the strange and cocky color commentator, the grisly owner, the ambiguously gay wrestler, the rookie, the Christian... it's a very funny collection of characters and all of them work well.

This film at first for me felt like something that only long-time wrestling fans would appreciate. But the more I think about it, it may just be more universal than that. Kayfabe is a term used in the wrestling business that describes the act of presenting something as real that is not real. It's the perfect name for this as we at the same time see the sad live shows and all the backstage interactions before and after these shows. It gives a real-life and humorous look at what life may be like for one of these tiny organizations.

The film opens with a conversation between Randy Tyler and TCICWF owner Al Thompson (Travis Watters) regarding the night's show. As they talk, terms they are using are defined on screen. While it's a little obvious, I still think it was a good decision especially those who may not know what a 'gimmick' or a 'mark' are.

Eventually it is revealed that the business is going under. This is obviously a plot point, but not the point of the film. Regardless of the state of the business, watching the guys perform for lackluster audiences, working out their gimmicks and matches beforehand, talking about the business of professional wrestling in general... this was the true meat and potatoes of Kayfabe. I don't want to get too much into the characters themselves and how they interact with one another because that is where the true humor and interested developments happen in the film. It's presented as a mix of Arrested Development and the Office, a reflection of real life with awkward humor injected throughout.

The acting was all entertaining. It's obvious these guys aren't masters of their craft by any means, but I really think it works. It makes a lot of it feel more realistic as they feel a little less than natural with a camera present. I'm not sure how many of the actors in the films are actual pro-wrestlers, but all of them at least seemed to know what they are doing. Rocket Randy Tyler vs. Steve Justice wasn't going to burn down the house, but the two of them wrestling was solid enough. For two non-wrestlers, if that's what they are, it was done quite well. And even though the wrestling was not technically as good as it was in Grunt!, it was most certainly filmed better.

This is another short review, but it's no reflection of my admiration of Kayfabe, it is just simply hard for me to fully discuss without just repeating funny moments. It's not perfect... some of the jokes fall a little flat or wear their welcome, but really this is only a minor, minor gripe.

This is a movie worth checking out and they deserve the attention. You can, and should, check out the website for the movie, http://www.kayfabemovie.com/.

For wrestling fans especially, I'd definitely recommend Kayfabe. A great way to wrap up my reviews of wrestling docu/mocku flicks!

Score: 7.75 / 10

These pythons are sick!

GRUNT! THE WRESTLING MOVIE

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Original Title: Grunt! The Wrestling Movie
Year: 1985
Director: Allan Holzman
Writer: Allan Holzman (story), Roger D. Manning (screenplay), Tony Randel (story), Jeff Scheftel (Narration), Lisa Tomei (story), Barry Zetlin (story)
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089233/
Genre: Mockumentary, Wrestling

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Synopsis:
A documentary filmmaker tries to track down former wrestling star Mad Dog Joe DeCurso after the wrestler disappears following the events of a match where his opponents is inadvertently decapitated. A current masked star has come onto the scenes, and Mad Dog's fans believe it could be Mad Dog himself coming out of hiding.

Yeah..............not so much...........

Well, of all the things This Is Spinal Tap is great for, this is certainly not one of them. While I'm not saying that the two films are linked at all, Spinal Tap certainly put the mock documentary genre in the public eye. So what we get with Grunt is not only boring and not well written, but 1 year removed from being all that original.

I've said it before, with an army of writers, a movie is bound to be great, right??? While it would be nice to imagine a smoky room with creative types sitting around a table bouncing ideas off one another and chiseling away at the perfect script, with something like Grunt! The Wrestling Movie what we probably got was either several people giving up because they even bored the snot out of themselves, or we got some honorary writing credits when someone would toss in a genius idea like "You definitely should hit someone in the face with a frying pan!"

Yes... it happens... I was waiting for the Looney Tunes sound effect of the garbage crashing and the final tin can plunk as the recipient of said frying pan came tumbling down the stairs. The whole movie isn't like this. I'm just pointing it out because it was an easy target and I'm a poor writer. It is, however, boring boring boring.

Throughout the film, The Director (Jeff Dial) and a cab driver who is also the President of the Mad Dog fan club or some shit, are on a crappy little journey to figure out if this new Mask (Steve Strong - former tag team partner of Jessie "The Body" Ventura!) masked wrestler is Mad Dog who had disappeared after decapitating an opponent in 1979.

And that's it. They follow around people that Mad Dog knew, and at the same time the story follows the Mask even though the Director is not always at the matches. Isn't this supposed to be a goddamn documentary? No acting whatsoever stands out in any way, but there are some legitimate professional wrestlers that make appearances throughout, including a promo and match with Mr. Dick Murdoch who I posted some videos of before. Plus you get to see some tits as Mask's manager flashes Murdoch during their match so that was kinda sweet too.

There are loads of elements in the story that just seem to be filler. One in particular is an appearance by The Mask on a conservative television talk show. It makes no sense... especially since Mask never speaks. We get this shitty actor doing a shittier Rush Limbaugh or something... screaming about Commies and such, and my fast forward finger was trembling.

With all the professional wrestlers making appearances, I was at least hoping for some fun match footage. While the wrestling shown seemed sound, the style of filming all of it was fucking terrible. Weird camera angles that would block out some action, shakes and flashing lights at times, oversaturated colors at other times... it was a mess. I never thought something would make me miss the movie All The Marbles so soon.

I'm done talking about this. It stinks and I is dummer for wachin it.

This review may suck as bad as the movie itself, but hey, at least you don't have to track down the 16th generation rip of an old dusty VHS tape now!

Score: 2.75 / 10