Random Wrestling Christmas clips

SANTA WITH MUSCLES

Well, another week has passed with not a creature stirring on the ol' blogaroo here. Real life and some annoying internet issues kept me from watching and reviewing more wrasslin films during the week of Xmas - i'm gonna back date a couple entries though to cheat. Shhhh... it'll be our little secret.

Not wanting to miss the holiday, I am veering slightly off the path to review a fantastic little film in the spirit of the holiday... It's not really a wrestling film, but I really could not pass this up:

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Original Title: Santa with Muscles
Year: 1996
Director: John Murlowski
Writer: Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata, Dorrie Krum Raymond
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117550/
Genre: Comedy

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synopsis:
An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then belives that he is Santa Claus.

How can you not automatically be into a movie after reading that synopsis? After losing valuable minutes of life thanks to one single Romantic Comedy shitburger, it's so good to know that there are films like Santa with Muscles out there that restore my faith in film.

If you don't love the story here, you may just lack a heart. With three writers, how could a story possibly be bad, you know?

We have Blake, a playboy giant millionaire (Hulk Hogan), who is like a giant child, running from cops just because he can. He changes clothes at a shopping mall into a Santa outfit, but takes a large fall in a trash chute, hitting his head when he lands, which gives him amnesia. Of course. Luckily when he awakens, there is a mall elf Lenny (Don Stark - yes... the next door neighbor from That 70s Show) there looking for a Santa Claus.

Lenny convinces Blake that he is actually Santa Claus after stealing Blake's wallet, excited that he can now be rich thanks to all the cash and credit cards inside. Blake goes along, does the Santa thing, beats up two thugs stealing a donation jar, then leaves to save an orphanage after seeing a sign for it.

The orphanage, which only has 3 children, is the target of local tyrant and germaphobe Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr.), who wants to get to the valuable electric quartz crystals found in catacombs underneath the chapel there. Awesome!

What ensues is a wild and wacky back and forth as Frosts' scientist crew constantly tries to outsmart Santa who is now living at the orphanage as well.

The story is sweet and totally believable, aided most definitely by amazing special effects and a masterful directorial hand from Murlowski, known for other strong films such as Marlowe (aka Cop Dog) and the amazing straight to video Ri¢hie Ri¢h's Christmas Wish. Along with hilarious one-liners, edge of your seat action, and terrific performances, Murlowski's job really almost seemed easy... a sure-fire hit wrapped up with a pretty red bow!

It's difficult for me to pick the strongest actor here, but trust me when I say just naming this all-star cast is sufficient to make your panties damp.

I've mentioned Hogan already, who is definitely on his best, and is sporting some fantastic hair that I am pretty sure he lost in the 80s. I don't know why he didn't go with a hairpiece and a trimmed mustache much earlier than this film. It's a great look for him.

He does a fantastic job comedically with Don Stark throughout the entire film, in particular scenes of them making fun of one another's pajamas or Stark saying to Hogan "you aren't gonna hug me now, are you?" after Stark swings in from the rafters. So fucking funny!

They play so well off of one another... it's very strange that they did not work together again after this. Hogan would go on in wrestling world to be the surprise leader of the NWO organization in WCW, so possibly he was just tied up there and missed any further windows.

Hogan also is very natural and sweet with the three orphans. You may recognize them... especially the chick from That 70s Show and that other kid with freckles and big ears. You can really sense the love and respect that they have for Blake. A touching scene with Elizabeth (Aria Noelle Curzon) and Blake/Santa where she kisses his cheek, and it appears that Hogan makes cumsies in his trousers.

Uh ohhh!

Sweet, sweet release...

Hogan must have been able to see into the future and gaze directly at Curzon's present day rack to look so excited at her kissing him there.

Ed Begley Jr. isn't too far off from every character he ever plays anywhere, which is A-OK with me as he is just hysterical. It was a very smart choice by the writers to make him germ phobic, as his talking through television screens, constantly cleaning, and wearing a haz mat suit adds much to his already multi-faceted character. I couldn't think of a better choice for a villain in this role.

You will love to hate Begley's Frost and his henchmen Dr. Vial the chemist (LOL!), Dr. Watt the master of electricity (LOL!!), Dr. Flint the geologist (LOL!!!), and the phenomenal Steve Valentine as Frost's personal physician Dr. Blight.

You may remember Valentine from his groundbreaking role as Photographer in Spider-Man 3.

I could go on and on about the acting here. I mean, if you're also going to pack Ed Leslie (Brutus the motherfuckin Barber Beefcake) and Clint Howard in a hysterical Sheriff role only rivaled perhaps by Jackie Gleason's Sheriff Buford T. Justice on top of this already star-studded cast, you have a sure hit on your hands. I was completely blown away.

We are very lucky to have a holiday treasure like Santa With Muscles. Sure, there's the Christmas Vacations and Christmas Stories out there, but this film is really the true source of seasonal magic. Not only do we have the touching story and enviable direction and acting, we get fucking Sheriff's with rocket launchers, carsplosions, amazing fight choreography and stunts...

It's a crime against baby Jesus himself that this does not have a proper DVD release. My only complaint is that at an hour and a half, Santa With Muscles is just not long enough.

If Santa With Muscles was a Tuesday-night stripper at a bar with no cover charge, I'd pay for 7 consecutive lap dances.

Merry late-Christmas, fuckers!

Score: 9.75 / 10

SANTA CLAUS

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Original Title: Santa Claus
Year: 1959
Director: René Cardona
Writer: Adolfo Torres Portillo, René Cardona
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053241/
Genre: Horror!!!!!

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synopsis:
With the aid of Merlin, Santa Claus must defeat the evil machinations of the devil Pitch to ruin Xmas.

Surpriiiiise! I saved the scariest until last! Today! Halloween! Eve of El Dia de Muertos! Thank you everyone for reading and commenting and enjoying (cough) my super theme month.

But now, onto the dirty work. I've covered a lot of trash and a few treasures this month, but I have to say Santa Claus, while very weird and entertaining for the wrong reasons, just sucks a fat one as a film.

UGGGGGHHHHH

I was so bored watching this most of the time.

Let's cover the good stuff though for the sake of the holiday. Santa is a fucking weirdo creep! José Elías Moreno plays the jolly one in Cardona's vision of the Christmas legend, and isn't bad I suppose. I mean, Santa is supposed to be a fat fucker that laughs a lot and sneaks into children's homes, and he had that down. This Santa chose to do things a big differently.

Firstly, there are no elves in Toyland, a magical place where Santa's Castle of crystal and gold stands IN OUTER-FUCKIN-SPACE. No North Pole here! So yeah, instead of elves, Santa runs a sweat shop with children from around the world. We are introduced to each region of children helpers as Santa plays his magical organ and makes the bastard children sing shitty songs and play with 50s style toys that kids of today would toss to the side.

Keep an eye out for the children from Africa, as they are presented as dancing, painted savages instead of just some normal clothing like the others had.

Wow.

I mean, the poor kid has a fucking BONE taped to his head!

With the help of his kidnapped child labor, Santa spies on children of the world, looking in on what they are doing with a long eyeball stalk, what they are saying with a satellite dish with a giant ear, and he even has a crystal ball type machine that allows him to watch their dreams!

Who knows what the hell this machine is for.

 (But I kinda want one!)


You know, we grow up with the Santa story, just accepting the fact that he knows if you are naughty or nice. But when a physical process is given to his deducing the information, it just makes it seem like an invasion of privacy instead. I wonder what Santa does when he sees a child discover masturbation for the first time.

What, too much?

Santa likes to play in piles of mail and hang out with Merlin the Wizard as his slaves make thousands of toys for all the children of Earth. Yep, Merlin the Wizard lives with Santa. He makes Santa magic powder to put kids to sleep (yikes) and gives him a flower that makes him invisible (yikes.) Santa conveniently forgets how to use EVERYTHING so Merlin has to explain to Santa (i.e. the audience) how it all works.

Merlin, played by Armando Arriola is so fucking annoying how he trots around and has a chemistry set and fake butterflies. Fuck him in his sparkly dumper. It was pretty funny how he was dubbed however, as it seemed like the writer was making fun of his movements and actions.

Blerg.

So while all the preparations are going on in outer space, Lucifer calls his most trusted demon Pitch out and tells him he needs to go make all the children of Earth evil before Santa arrives. Santa is apparently Satan's main nemesis. Huh, who knew?

Pitch, or El Diablo, is played by José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky' who seems to be a pretty good slapstick comedy actor. It's hard to tell anyone's actual ability in the film due to my watching a hilarious English dub, but his movements and facial expressions were made for a role like this.

They could have at least found a costume for him that had the zipper on the BACK.

No one can hear Pitch outright, but he whispers in ears and people hear the voice in their subconscious. The classic good conscious, bad conscious, only without the good this time. He can also blow on shit and make it red hot too which was pretty amusing I guess.

And blowing on people as they sleep makes them have nightmares, including a particularly creepy one that he gives a little girl Lupita who is so poor she can't even afford a doll.

Which brings me to another point about the film that is pretty fucked up... the small poor girl Lupita doesn't even know who Santa is. She has the weird fever dream about giant two faced dolls that creepily dance around thanks to Pitch, but she just cant get that one sorry rag doll that she wants. We all know that it is because her parents cannt afford to give her presents, but the story is presupposing that Santa is the gift giver. Why has Santa never given poor Lupita a present before now? Is she bad for only wanting one fucking doll when there is a rich kid so spoiled he only wants a hug from his parents for Christmas.

Santa... child slave owner and classcist fuck.

The movie overall had some really messed up imagery and ideas. I must have enjoyed it on some level because tonight at a party I had a lot of fun describing this oddball image of Santa to several guests. Santa having wind up mechanical deer that turn to dust in the sunlight of Christmas morning, leaving Santa stranded on Earth to starve to death without his ice cream and candy made from clouds was a popular point and one of the odder elements of this version of the Jolly one.

The film was a mess - and I'm not exactly sure how children would even enjoy it. The songs were not catchy at all, and it seemed like the English dub was almost tongue in cheek. Besides the strange ideas portrayed that I loved relaying to others, the structure itself had me wanting to hold that fast forward button. Cardona somehow turned an hour and a half into fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something. Pretty miserable.

This film is worth a watch definitely for the ideas and images. It's probably much better in a group, and I kind of regret not taking the time to show it to my guests this evening. The English dub seems very sarcastic and is a fine way to view the film, because I'm afraid a straight presentation of it would just be too boring.

High recommendation for all the wrong reasons.

Score: 2.25 / 10

And with this, I bring Mexploitation Month to a close. How fitting that the last film is the worst!