SANTA CLAUS

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Original Title: Santa Claus
Year: 1959
Director: René Cardona
Writer: Adolfo Torres Portillo, René Cardona
IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053241/
Genre: Horror!!!!!

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synopsis:
With the aid of Merlin, Santa Claus must defeat the evil machinations of the devil Pitch to ruin Xmas.

Surpriiiiise! I saved the scariest until last! Today! Halloween! Eve of El Dia de Muertos! Thank you everyone for reading and commenting and enjoying (cough) my super theme month.

But now, onto the dirty work. I've covered a lot of trash and a few treasures this month, but I have to say Santa Claus, while very weird and entertaining for the wrong reasons, just sucks a fat one as a film.

UGGGGGHHHHH

I was so bored watching this most of the time.

Let's cover the good stuff though for the sake of the holiday. Santa is a fucking weirdo creep! José Elías Moreno plays the jolly one in Cardona's vision of the Christmas legend, and isn't bad I suppose. I mean, Santa is supposed to be a fat fucker that laughs a lot and sneaks into children's homes, and he had that down. This Santa chose to do things a big differently.

Firstly, there are no elves in Toyland, a magical place where Santa's Castle of crystal and gold stands IN OUTER-FUCKIN-SPACE. No North Pole here! So yeah, instead of elves, Santa runs a sweat shop with children from around the world. We are introduced to each region of children helpers as Santa plays his magical organ and makes the bastard children sing shitty songs and play with 50s style toys that kids of today would toss to the side.

Keep an eye out for the children from Africa, as they are presented as dancing, painted savages instead of just some normal clothing like the others had.

Wow.

I mean, the poor kid has a fucking BONE taped to his head!

With the help of his kidnapped child labor, Santa spies on children of the world, looking in on what they are doing with a long eyeball stalk, what they are saying with a satellite dish with a giant ear, and he even has a crystal ball type machine that allows him to watch their dreams!

Who knows what the hell this machine is for.

 (But I kinda want one!)


You know, we grow up with the Santa story, just accepting the fact that he knows if you are naughty or nice. But when a physical process is given to his deducing the information, it just makes it seem like an invasion of privacy instead. I wonder what Santa does when he sees a child discover masturbation for the first time.

What, too much?

Santa likes to play in piles of mail and hang out with Merlin the Wizard as his slaves make thousands of toys for all the children of Earth. Yep, Merlin the Wizard lives with Santa. He makes Santa magic powder to put kids to sleep (yikes) and gives him a flower that makes him invisible (yikes.) Santa conveniently forgets how to use EVERYTHING so Merlin has to explain to Santa (i.e. the audience) how it all works.

Merlin, played by Armando Arriola is so fucking annoying how he trots around and has a chemistry set and fake butterflies. Fuck him in his sparkly dumper. It was pretty funny how he was dubbed however, as it seemed like the writer was making fun of his movements and actions.

Blerg.

So while all the preparations are going on in outer space, Lucifer calls his most trusted demon Pitch out and tells him he needs to go make all the children of Earth evil before Santa arrives. Santa is apparently Satan's main nemesis. Huh, who knew?

Pitch, or El Diablo, is played by José Luis Aguirre 'Trotsky' who seems to be a pretty good slapstick comedy actor. It's hard to tell anyone's actual ability in the film due to my watching a hilarious English dub, but his movements and facial expressions were made for a role like this.

They could have at least found a costume for him that had the zipper on the BACK.

No one can hear Pitch outright, but he whispers in ears and people hear the voice in their subconscious. The classic good conscious, bad conscious, only without the good this time. He can also blow on shit and make it red hot too which was pretty amusing I guess.

And blowing on people as they sleep makes them have nightmares, including a particularly creepy one that he gives a little girl Lupita who is so poor she can't even afford a doll.

Which brings me to another point about the film that is pretty fucked up... the small poor girl Lupita doesn't even know who Santa is. She has the weird fever dream about giant two faced dolls that creepily dance around thanks to Pitch, but she just cant get that one sorry rag doll that she wants. We all know that it is because her parents cannt afford to give her presents, but the story is presupposing that Santa is the gift giver. Why has Santa never given poor Lupita a present before now? Is she bad for only wanting one fucking doll when there is a rich kid so spoiled he only wants a hug from his parents for Christmas.

Santa... child slave owner and classcist fuck.

The movie overall had some really messed up imagery and ideas. I must have enjoyed it on some level because tonight at a party I had a lot of fun describing this oddball image of Santa to several guests. Santa having wind up mechanical deer that turn to dust in the sunlight of Christmas morning, leaving Santa stranded on Earth to starve to death without his ice cream and candy made from clouds was a popular point and one of the odder elements of this version of the Jolly one.

The film was a mess - and I'm not exactly sure how children would even enjoy it. The songs were not catchy at all, and it seemed like the English dub was almost tongue in cheek. Besides the strange ideas portrayed that I loved relaying to others, the structure itself had me wanting to hold that fast forward button. Cardona somehow turned an hour and a half into fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something. Pretty miserable.

This film is worth a watch definitely for the ideas and images. It's probably much better in a group, and I kind of regret not taking the time to show it to my guests this evening. The English dub seems very sarcastic and is a fine way to view the film, because I'm afraid a straight presentation of it would just be too boring.

High recommendation for all the wrong reasons.

Score: 2.25 / 10

And with this, I bring Mexploitation Month to a close. How fitting that the last film is the worst!

NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES

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Original Title: La horripilante bestia humana
Year: 1969 (1972)
Director: René Cardona, Jerald Intrator (new footage for US version)
Writer: René Cardona Jr., René Cardona
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063090/
Genre: Horror

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synopsis: A surgeon attempts to cure his son's fatal disease by doing the first 'ape-to-human' heart transplant. The son seems to be cured, only to transform into a horrible beast that goes on a murderous rampage.

This movie to me felt like a natural progression from my previous review of Doctor of Doom. On a literal note, Rene Cardona is at the helm once again here to essentially remake Doctor of Doom film into Night of the Bloody Apes, this time with writing help from his son, Rene Cardona Jr.

Cardona, Jr. acted a bit in the 60s, and even directed a few films, but it really seems like this film, a bloodier, nakeder version of Doctor of Doom, was a real jumping off point for him to become a prolific B-movie director. So I thought it was fitting to put it here since he has that writing credit! He pumped out some real schlock throughout the 70s, ranging from westerns to sex comedies to exploitation of current events, and some of which I will be covering soon!

OK, you can stop rubbing yourself now.

Actually, keep going.

On a more figurative note, while there is still some wrestling women in action, the focus of the story this time has completely shifted away from them as they are really but a sidenote. The masks do show up, but only for decoration this time. This story focuses, for better or worse, on the monster and the doctor primarily.

The English dubbed version of the film that I am reviewing here is perhaps the most infamous one, as before it was released again in the early 70s, Cardona's version was taken and sleazed up quite a bit, with added gore, tits, and even some actual heart surgery footage that is awkwardly and unintentionally humorously spliced in. What a fucking mess. LITERALLY! LOL!

I have read that there is a cut of the film out there somewhere with even more footage than this... who knows what's in there! I believe that version was back in Mexico and just called Horror y Sexo.

I'll let you figure out that translation for yourself.

The acting is universally campy and bad in this one. But if we have learned anything this month on Assorted Loaf, it's that we really aren't here for the acting, right? Repeat after me, class. "Boobs and blood trump acting in schlocky cinema!" The bad acting fits right in and helps set the mood... none of the actors are really worth mentioning, and the English dub, while making it difficult as usual to get a true read on the acting ability, is just fucking funny at times.

"Prepare the gorilla!"

I'm not sure if the added in gore and nudity in Night of the Bloody Apes was supposed to make the movie horrifying, but the effect is kind of interesting. What we get is a film that knows it is not serious but at the same time tries to be thanks to the scenes being added in later. I guess we could look at this as shitty editing, which it really is, but the effect is one like I can't recall seeing before.

When you go from the 60s cheese of the monster slowly lumbering toward a victim, then cut to an awkward closeup of someone being "torn apart" (very loose use of that term there... think torn apart for $1.95), it has the effect of being awkwardly funny.

Plus the cheap rubber special effects don't help much either. I think I have drawn more realistically than that shit...with a crayon.... 30 years ago! And in true sleazy fashion, if you are a dude getting attacked by this man-beast, your face will be torn apart. If you're a woman... it's your clothes! Ohhh the boobies are gonna be swingin tonite!

Sexist? Well, yeah probably. But look at it this way maybe... The guys are getting mangled and skull fucked from the get go. On the other hand, while this caveman is tearing at the ladies clothes so immature viewers like myself can giggle about T & A, they have a much better chance of escaping him! OK, that's a stretch. I'm trying here!

Cardona's story is simple enough, but the direction of the film is nothing creative and is simple itself. The characters in this film are certainly better developed as far as their motivations are concerned... it isn't just someone wanting to control the world but instead a father wanting to help his dying son, even if it is an irresponsible method. The result is laughable as the son turns into a half beast thanks to the gorilla heart, but that's just part of the fun. It has it's moments I suppose, but there is nothing besides the "shocking" that is all that memorable with how the film is shot and assembled.

The pacing is a little uneven as some of the medical and exposition scenes go on a bit long for being as blah as they were, but I guess if you take those out all you have is a hairy guy in a play doh mask just doing awful things. And in all honesty, the gore and nudity are obviously put in there for purely exploitative reasons and add almost nothing to the film outside of the obvious.

Don't go into this one looking for anything artistic and you should be just fine.

This film landed on the Video Nasties list, but I am certain it was only for the gore. If the sight of real blood and guts, albeit brief, offends you, I guess you can avoid this, but Night of the Bloody Apes is not even in the same ballpark as some other notorious Video nasties such as Cannibal Holocaust.

This was a very average movie going experience for me. I'd much rather see some masked wrestlers in the storyline. It has it's moments as I said, but would be better if viewed in a social setting or something like that.

Maybe I just caught this at the wrong time or something?

I laughed some, but I was really hoping for more.

Recommended to watch with a group of friends or something looking for some cheesy yet gory horror.

Score: 5.25 / 10