Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Original Title: Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy
Year: 2006
Director: Kim Sky, Evan Seplow
Writer: Kim Sky
Genre: Comedy

A Jewish man falls in love with a wrestling princess and it's a "no holds barred" quest for her love.

This fucking movie simultaneously sucked my will to live and almost killed wrestling film theme month before it even began! I have seen better shot and acted porn.

Before I get into it much, I wanted to post one of the best reviews I have ever read on IMDb:
i watch this movie many months ago, i LOL. many happy times, there is wrestling and funny Jewish guy. Shababamm is so crazy funny- i love him the best. the big girl Chyna is so bad funny. watch this movie- you like it so much, my children loved it more. my children love wrestling, they tell everyone about the movie. April Hunter is the sexiest mother in the world of movie business, we see her wrestling shows as much as we can. my boys totally love her. she was so pretty and her husband look like Magnum, Tom Selleck. the Japanese man is so cute and strong. i think the director did a good job, she talked at the screening of the film, she cried saying how much work she put. Shababamm was at the screening, he's so handsome, big smile. The Jewish guy was there too, he was so nice, he signed a poster for my son.
So yeah...

It's obvious from the beginning that someone in some suburban nowhere got a camera that was a little nicer than the handicam you use to film the neices and nephews opening xmas gifts, rounded up some washed up wrestlers and no name actors, and made this mess. There's this odd and poorly animated cartoon that opens the film with a bird in a yarmulke shitting on a statue. Anyone who may have watched the first Transformers Beastmasters show may recognize the shitty 3D artwork on display that would have been groundbreaking maybe in 1991.

The actors in the film must be loosely called that. Right from the beginning, we can see what direction thewe're going in as soon-to-be parents and star wrestlers Rocco and Diamond Piedra (Don Frye and April Hunter) are in the "hospital" (someone's bedroom) comedically acting Diamond's labor while giving birth to their daughter Sandy Gold Piedra (evntually played as an adult by Nicole Brier.) Frye and Hunter both are very unconvincing throughout being lovey toward one another and in some broader comedic moments that only come off as awkward.

Frye is much better just standing there looking tough as he does as a G-man in Michael Mann's Public Enemies from this year.

It should be noted that I was immediately thinking with April Hunter's near-manly figure that she probably doesn't even have a period much less the ability to get pregnant. She's no Chyna, but definitely way too ripped.

Oh yeah... Chyna is in the movie too. She plays Roxanne, the girlfriend of one of the main villains. I'm fairly certain judging by her performance that this was a time in her life where she was dealing with her drug addiction problems. She looks like a total mess here. Couple that with zero acting ability and you have a microcosm of the trainwreck that is this movie.

I could go on and on about the poor acting. There's the overly-gay Robert John (Selassie Amana) who evidently likes every male out there except for our "hero" the stereotypically Jewish Marty Shalom Weinstein (Aaron Fiore.) Both actors are over the top in their comedic acting and very annoying...

And both really are borderline offensive in their characterizations. Of course the homosexual Robert John loves fluffy clothes, wears pink, comes on to almost every guy in the film, and moves around like Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds. And of course the Jewish guy loves money, wears a yarmulke, and has a middle name of SHALOM! Really? It's like a 6th grader wrote down the ideas for these characters in a wrinkled spiral notebook.

In defense of the movie, these one dimensional characters are very reminiscent of the characters in professional wrestling. The difference between the two is that the characters in pro-wrestling are not given an hour and a half to be developed in dramatic and comedic scenes. The good guy/bad guy thing in wrestling works a bit better in its context. But I will say that if a wrestler was made gay like Robert John (poor Adrian Adonis), or if there was a stereotypical Jewish wrestler, both would deserve multiple dramatic rolls of the eyes.

Ken Yasuda, former college pitcher AND body builder, plays another villain in the film, Monster, and I can't believe anyone would ever hire his guy to act. It's painfully obvious he still hasn't mastered the English language and his acting is as dry and wooden as a cigar store Indian. He's obviously there only for his look, but I am sure that a better actor with a similar build could have been pulled out from some alley somewhere.

This motherfucker can't even do the Hogan crab pose flex convincingly.

And seeing him in the ring was really bad as he he no pro wrestler. He can only hit, miss, get hit, and lift Chyna above his head.

Sky's story and direction are so fucking terrible here. The film goes on and on and on and on and I just wanted it to end. The comedic elements in particular will invoke more than a few sighs of exasperation. Despite the awkwardly delivered lines from the shit actors I have mentioned already, there are even random little things thrown in there that seem to be for kids or something. For example, as Marty Weinstein is jogging one morning, there is a goddamn flaying saucer that rises out of the corn.

What the shit?? Why???

Also keep an eye out for tooth/eye twinkles, hazy sparkles on a famous stylist, even a breaking of the fourth wall as we see a writer changing the story with a "fat lady that sings" tied up in the background.

That's right

She tries to make it a wrestling story as Weinstein wants to compete in the ring to finally win the affections of Sandy, but evidently does not have the ability to write a proper story and relies WAAAAY too much on broad humor and stupid stereotypes. Robert John in his pink spandex, the homosexual hairdressing crew that makes over Weinstein, the Indian doctor who loses his Indian accent when Sandy takes the fucking dot off his forehead. REALLY??

Shoot me

You know what? I'm done with this. I am writing more here than this garbage deserves. The script is poor. The direction is poor. The acting is beyond poor. The WRESTLING is poor. Jesus, can't you give me something??

Avoid at all costs. One of the worst films I have seen in quite some time

Score: 1.25 / 10

1 comment:

Matt-suzaka said...

Oh shit! Thanks including my review in with your, Loaf! i am so proud and you pretty, and LOL!